What not to say to cancer patients
Most people aren't practiced in talking about cancer. I found that often discomfort and "not knowing what to say" lead to silence. Below are some phrases to avoid and a link to another post with statements that are supportive.
"Let me know what you need!"
Okay, hear me out:
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This question is well-meaning, as are most items in this post, but it's actually quite unhelpful.
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Asking others for help is hard, even without cancer. For me, I experience this question as giving labor to me. During most of treatment, I wasn't clear on what would be helpful and was in survival mode with a serious case of chemo brain.
What would have been more helpful is people offering concrete ways they could help. This would eliminate me trying to anticipate others' strengths and capacities when considering reaching out for support. Folks who exercised attunement in offering specific helps were most appreciated by me and my primary caretakers.
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If the patient or their caretaker accepts your offer to help, please follow through with it.
"At least..."
"...you still have your hair!" I eventually lost it.
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"...you only have four rounds of chemo!" Four rounds of something wildly hard is still wildly hard.
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"...you only go for scans quarterly!" That's still a lot and the pre-scan anxiety is awful.
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"...you can still work!" Is that a good thing when someone's really sick?
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"...it's not stage IV!" Any stage of cancer is terrible for the person with it.
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Statements that start with "at least" or "be thankful that" minimize experiences. And let me tell you, cancer sucks and there's no talking me out of that opinion (fact?).
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"Everything happens for a reason."
You might believe that, and during different seasons of my life I have too. But during cancer? That belief is hard to come by, and chemo's already hard enough without piling on an internal debate about spirituality and the inner workings of the universe.
"You don't look like a cancer patient!"
That's really not a compliment.
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I'm in the cancer community, and that's an insult to my peers. I would certainly hate to be the patient someone uses to compliment how good another patient looks.
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I also think we should normalize cancer patients existing in the world outside of hospitals. I felt a lot of expectation to "kick cancer's ass" and so I tried my best (often to my detriment) to be out in the world. However, when I would be out and about, I often caught lingering eyes on me. I could practically see the Julia-Robers-Math-Lady meme on their faces while they tried to figure me out.
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"How are you?"
I actually don't mind this question, but it needs some follow through.
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In American culture, we ask this as a way of greeting people. Since being diagnosed, this question would send me into social stress when trying to decode what people were actually asking. Are they just saying "hi" or are they avoidantly asking about my cancer and treatment? The mental gymnastics went wild with this question.
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"Do they know I have cancer? Did I tell them? Did someone else tell them?"
"I don't know how to answer this question no matter what they mean. Fine wouldn't make sense."
"Am I really going to tell them about my cancer right now in the middle of a party?"
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When someone in my life would ask me this question in public I'd really have a tough time with it. I suppose the gesture is fine, but I'd rather someone make time to contact me so that I would feel more supported and comfortable to share honestly.
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"At least..."
"...you still have your hair!" I eventually lost it.
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"...you only have four rounds of chemo!" Four rounds of something wildly hard is still wildly hard.
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"...you only go for scans quarterly!" That's still a lot and the pre-scan anxiety is awful.
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"...you can still work!" Is that a good thing when someone's really sick?
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"...it's not stage IV!" Any stage of cancer is terrible for the person with it.
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Statements that start with "at least" or "be thankful that" minimizes experiences.
"That's why I never carry my phone in my pocket."
Or some variation of why me getting cancer was my fault. Telling me about cutting out deli meat because it causes cancer is really ill-timed. Are you saying that I did this to myself because I had too many turkey sandwiches? Because I haven't incorporated enough super-foods into my meals? Because I rest a laptop on my thighs?
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A lot of the "Thats why I do (or don't)..." comments are rooted in diet culture and pseudo-science. I'm glad that I'm able to spot these things that are actually toxic, but still feel pangs of guilt and blame when I'm faced with them.